I am, was, maybe still am, a master of the green, red, yellow, blue and orange. I could play almost any song on expert as my fingers flicked across the clinking buttons of my ersatz Gibson Duo Jet. I used to be able to rock out like all the great fake guitarists; I was the British Kill3rzQu33nz or xxx2tasteexxx.
Then I realised that despite my ability nobody really cared and in fact I would get more derision than admiration from my fingering ability. Plus it took up too much time, cost far too much and other interests came along to distract me.
This left me without a skill I excelled at. I was a normal again. If only the Matrix was real, and I could have new abilities uploaded at will. What would I choose?
I could go for something practical like the ability to learn any language, but I am going for something more romantic, and that would be to be able to play any music instrument. I have tried to learn the cornet and keyboard, but I have great difficulty in marrying up the movement between my fingers and reading the notes on sheet music.
Considering my aptitude on the fake guitar you would think I should be able to step up to a real Fender. Although if you are a real guitarist I am sure you know the difference between six strings and five buttons is a big leap.
I can barely string together a few notes from any instrument. The only tune I can play from memory is Ode to Joy on the piano, and that is only with my right hand (let’s not get started on chords). I would say I would give my right hand to be able to play the chords, but then I couldn’t manage the melody.
Still I will be a rock god again, tonight for one night only (and any other night) I’ll be breaking out the plastic Fender to reunite ‘Eclectric’. We shall rock fake Shea Stadium one more time to the greatest hits of 80’s hair bands and the songs I know by Weezer.
Viva Ergo Sum 