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The danger of Killer Whales

The start of the end of humanity has begun; a court in San Diego has agreed to hear legal arguments over whether a Killer Whale should have the same protections and rights as humans. Of all the animals we could make our equals we chose killer whales, they are not our equals… they are better than us.

I love and fear orcas; if reincarnation is real, then I would want to come back as a Killer Whale. They are amazing animals, but also brutally good hunters. They will beach themselves to catch seals. They will drown baby whales. We should not be allowing them the chance to serve openly in the armed forces (or get married because this is the slippery slope I rely on politicians to warn me of).

The point of this legal action is to prevent the slavery of theme park whales, and yes I wholeheartedly agree that keeping such magnificent creatures in such a cramped environment is cruel and unfair. Jumping through hoops and flicking their tails to get the people in the splash zone is not the right environment for them. A 30 minute sideshow does not show what they are capable of, watch some clips from the always excellent BBC Natural History unit and you will see what they are capable of.

And so we should not allow them to become citizens.

For Killer Whales the movie Free Willy is their version of the release of Nelson Mandela. Unlike Mandela this prisoner was being kept locked up not for political reasons, but for the safety of all humanity.

The only reason Free Willy is not the supreme leader of the world is that it is difficult to rule on land with flippers. As soon as they start to re-evolve legs and feet, as a species we would be doomed. They will hunt us down for fun (look at the clip below to see how they deal with their prey) and will tell us in the immortal words of Russell Edgington “We want to eat you. After we eat your children”.

They are remorseless beasts, nature red in tooth and claw. They will not show us mercy, but I for one will welcome our cetacean overlords.

Add to the list of Bears with Guns and The Heat Death of the Universe are Killer Whales, the list of things that scares me.