Breaking up with dating sites

Being something of a geek I prefer my social interactions to be a bit more software rather than hardware driven. Virtual communication frightens me less than the face-to-face interaction the human race has depended upon for millennia. In most cases this is fine, modern technology facilitates this semi-hermit way of life. I can speak to friends in bits and bytes, but there is one area of social interaction that is hampered by this lifestyle choice.

Dating.

Thankfully the internet (as usual) has come to the rescue, and given us the gift of online matchmaking. There is still somewhat of a stigma around this, but in one way it provides a service to people like me. In my pre-Mr-Mrs-G days I tried most of them, and found them all to be terrible. All they did was destroy my confidence and make me feel even more alone.

Looking at the sites available it is easy to see why.

Being something of a geek I prefer my social interactions to be a bit more software rather than hardware driven. Virtual communication frightens me less than the face-to-face interaction the human race has depended upon for millennia. In most cases this is fine, modern technology facilitates this semi-hermit way of life. I can speak to friends in bits and bytes, but there is one area of social interaction that is hampered by this lifestyle choice.

Dating.

Thankfully the internet (as usual) has come to the rescue, and given us the gift of online matchmaking. There is still somewhat of a stigma around this, but in one way it provides a service to people like me. In my pre-Mr-Mrs-G days I tried most of them, and found them all to be terrible. All they did was destroy my confidence and make me feel even more alone.

Looking at the sites available it is easy to see why.

Continue reading “Breaking up with dating sites”

More of me

In which I could really talk to myself.

I’m sure this is not a sentiment shared by many others, in fact it may be considered by other people to be akin to the apocalypse, but I really wish there was more of me to go around.

I’m not talking about the volume of my expanding waistline, I am not looking to increase my vertical (or horizontal) height, I just wish there was another version of me to do all the crap jobs. An assistant Geek Ergo Sum that could do all the boring bits of life, like the cleaning or going to work. That way I could spend more time doing the things I enjoy whilst leaving all the other jobs to someone I can trust to do it the way I would like; me. Forget Dolly the Sheep, what I really want is my own clone.

 

Yes, there are a number of ethical and philosophical issues around having an exact clone made of myself, and especially for the sole purpose of doing all the menial work I want to get rid of. If they had the same physicality, mind and memory as me then who is really the clone and who is me. Continue reading “More of me”

Odes to things I love

On Valentine’s the one part of my life I don’t feel like having to say a special “I love you” to is Mrs G. We have this unwritten agreement that we like each other a lot, and she will tell me that she loves me to which I have only one reply.

So rather than upsetting her Shakespearephilia and attempting to write sonnets extolling her many virtues I’m going to attempt poetry (which is always a dangerous style for me to try) declaring my love for other items that get my blood racing (and it may also raise the blood pressure of those who love and cherish poetry).

On Valentine’s the one part of my life I don’t feel like having to say a special “I love you” to is Mrs G. We have this unwritten agreement that we like each other a lot, and she will tell me that she loves me to which I have only one reply.

So rather than upsetting her Shakespearephilia and attempting to write sonnets extolling her many virtues I’m going to attempt poetry (which is always a dangerous style for me to try) declaring my love for other items that get my blood racing (and it may also raise the blood pressure of those who love and cherish poetry).

Things what I love – A collection.

Continue reading “Odes to things I love”

1994 the year I found soccer

In which I say Goooooaaaalazzzzzoooo,

As a kid I was not that interested in sport, I preferred books and later computers, so sporting events in the 80s and early 90s mostly passed me by. I knew that the Sky Blues had won the FA Cup in 1987 but I spent most of that match playing with polystyrene aeroplanes on my parent’s stairs. Something then changed around 1994.

Firstly I discovered Sensible Soccer, perhaps the greatest football game ever made.

Playing with my dad, he would choose recently crowned (but soon to be disgraced) European Champions Marseille. Looking for a suitable opponent he suggested the beaten finalists. A certain Italian team founded in 1899 by an Englishman , the team of Maldini and Van Basten, the Diavolo, Associazione Calcio Milan.

Continue reading “1994 the year I found soccer”

Well done for doing your job

In which I refuse to compete for a plaque.

Every month the company I work for run a company wide recognition scheme, it is open to all individuals and is a similar programme to those I have experienced in other places of work. The greatest part about this recognition scheme is how every wins every month. No matter how good or poor you are you win a prize, and that prize is handily deposited into your bank account and you receive a certificate with details of how much you won.

This is the recognition I need for my job, this little donation to helping me keep my way of life is the reward I get for dedicating 35 hours a week to the needs of a company. I do this for you and what you do allows me to spend weekends with Mrs G or buy pretty things for the Feliciraptor. It is a perfect arrangement. What disturbs the waters is when “Recognition Schemes” come into play.

Continue reading “Well done for doing your job”

Numpties for Numpties

In which I act like a dummy so you don’t have to.

The world is full of stupid people; the results of elections and the popularity of certain TV shows are evidence on this. One publisher has spotted a niche in the market and has guides on everything dummies may want. Look in any bookstore and most sections you will see books with yellow spines declaring a quick and easy guide to that particular subject.

This weekend I was looking around for a book on Excel dashboards (and have found one – Excel Dashboards for Dummies) but then ended up on Amazon stumbling around the ‘For Dummies’ section. There are loads of them; a quick check says there are over 1,600 different titles.

This piqued my curiosity, what else could I learn about through the medium of Richard Tennant cartoons (is it just me or does anyone else first scan through to find the 5th Wave captions) and lists of ten things? What areas of my knowledge could be enhanced from dummy status? Continue reading “Numpties for Numpties”

Don’t tell me no

In which I accept your challenge.

Other than riding my bike up the street the wrong way I’m a very good boy. I try to stay out of trouble for a number of reasons, like it is a cramp on my lifestyle to be in prison and I’d have to explain why I’m entangled with the Po-Po to my family. Neither of these are particularly attractive options.

As a result I try not to break the rules, I’m scared of being caught and of the consequences. Instead I prefer to push against the boundaries of bureaucracy and see how far I can bend them to my will. I am much happier to teeter along the edge of genius and failure.

The other option is to find the loophole in the rules and exploit them. I subscribe to Alexander the Great’s Gordian knot solution, if the laws of the game are ill-defined then use that to your ability.

Continue reading “Don’t tell me no”

The Joylessness of mushrooms

In which I am not a fungi.

Texture, that is what it comes down to. I am pretty much happy to eat anything, but if it feels funny when I chew then it is mouth-verboten. This is a rule that has excluded many a food group from my digestive tract.

Kidney and liver is too spongy, cruciferous vegetables put me off with their leaves and bobbles and I’m not overly fond of nuts (especially coconuts and their strangely chewy innards). For all of these I am also put off by both the taste and smell. They complete the triumvirate of hunger suppressors that make me avoid eating them and as a result they don’t make my stomach turn.

Only one foodstuff can do this, mushrooms. I love the smell of cooked mushrooms and I love the taste of a mixed grill cooked with them, but that texture makes me squirm.

Continue reading “The Joylessness of mushrooms”

I don’t write by hand anymore

In which digital has replaced cursive.

It was going to be the year I did it, I was going to write that novel that was in me. It was going to be easy as I had a great story to tell and I wasn’t to bothered with the initial quality all I needed to do was write. By the end of 2014 I was technically (although by no means successfully) going to be a novelist.

I got as far as Chapter 1.

Trying to write something substantive, coherent to the point it had a point, proved more difficult than I expected. Something about it being on screen made it seem small, or maybe it was that the pages that got big. Writing on computer plays tricks on the mind because a three hundred word rant fits neatly on a few swipes of a tablet.

On paper less seems more, and it has been a long time since I lifted a nib for more than a few sentences.

Continue reading “I don’t write by hand anymore”

I laugh in the face of danger

In which I am wrapped in cotton wool.

I am banned from acts of Daring Do, Mrs G has put a kibosh on anything that I might class as fun. This is mainly because my definition of fun is the same as her definition of danger.

This means that I am unable to:

  • Go into space
  • Get a pilots licence
  • Bungee Jump

Actually I think I am verboten from doing any activity where my feet leave the ground.

Continue reading “I laugh in the face of danger”