The joy of Marmite

In which I very much love it.

The Menu.

Ingredients: Pure savoury heaven (or hell)

Preparation: Knife into jar and spread

Cost: £2.00 for a big jar

Amuse-bouche

I’m going to put my position out there straight away. I love it. I understand that how you feel towards Marmite clouds many people’s judgement. For some just being able to smell it without retching is a sign that you are in league with the anti-Christ.

So when Marmite released their new advert I thought it was hilarious, I’ve know plenty who have semi-abandoned jars in their cupboards, I recently rediscovered the one I had just this weekend, but the ad seems to have created a tiny bit of controversy and I’m not sure who is to blame.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHjssdNNzP0]
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Lunchtime Review : Beige Food

In which I avoid anything green.

The Menu.

Ingredients: Lots of brown.

Preparation: Open the box of brown.

Cost: A lot of brown later on.

Amuse-bouche

Seriously…what? 8 cocktail sausages, 4 pork and tomato bites, 4 sausage rolls and 4 mini scotch eggs.

Colour plays an important role in food, it indicates what kind of experience or benefit you get from the item you are about to put in your mouth. It’s why chefs spend so much time fussing over how a dish looks as if it appears tasty then it probably is. The Duck Rule and everything.

There is one colour to rule them all, a colour that is quite honest about what you are going to get. Beige.
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Underage drinking

In which I am definitely over 18.

Bank Holiday Monday, today it was spent digging in the garden being a grown up getting and getting it ready for a lawn. As it type this I am struggling with the feel of the keyboard because the ends of my fingers are slightly numb from doing something harder than pushing a mouse around.

Garden with no grass

In the olden days I never had to worry about such things, especially when I was in my late teens. Instead of having responsibility for gardens or home improvements, plus none of the worry about work the next day, I was able to enjoy the Bank Holiday.

Most of my long weekends normally had a story that began, three people walk into a bar…

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A simple English breakfast

In which I throw everything in the one pan.

Saturday morning is the most sacred part of my week, it is the time where I sit down in front of my weekly feast of fried pork products (although some may argue that it’s not just Saturday I do this).

Most people’s idea of an English breakfast can vary, some people will swear by black pudding whilst others need to see the plate swimming in baked beans. Some prefer brown sauce, others red. My own has a strange variety of tinned tomatoes with strict rules around their preparation.

Firstly the fat to cook in, for the health conscious you can use sunflower oil. If you want to do this right then stop worrying about cardiovascular disease and stick in a knob of lard (beef fat). It has a lower cooking temperature so will prevent burning of your meat. There is nothing worse than some hot oil giving your sausage a nasty burn, so make sure you wear an apron for safety.

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Cupcakes have no purpose

In which cupcakes should join panda’s on the extinction list.

Although I am savoury man I am still partial to a bit of sweet. You can’t beat a nice piece of cake, especially if it is two pieces of sponge with raspberry jam and a sprinkling of sugar on the top. Truly the Victoria Sponge is the queen of cakes.

This leaves a vacancy as king, a position that could be filled by the humble cupcake. It is the Chihuahua of the cake world, the bakery mosquito. Just like a king it serves no purpose in the modern world, provides zero benefit to humanity and gets way more respect than it should.

Cupcakes in a bag

The most important bit about a cupcake is the icing and decoration, the essential fluff to hide the wafer thin part of the one redeeming feature; the cake. It’s like being wowed by the spectacular paint job on rubbish car. It looks shiny, may impress onlookers but at its heart is still a piece of crap.

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Lunchtime Review : Homemade Crispy Duck

In which I try pulling meat with a fork

The Menu.

Ingredients: Some bits of duck leg and a really hot oven

Preparation: Cooking at home

Cost: Free, we were given the duck

Amuse-bouche

My sister would be jealous, she loves this stuff. So does Mrs G. In fact other than vegetarians I don’t know of anyone else who doesn’t like crispy duck. It’s one of those super-meats like bacon that are universally adored by those with functioning taste buds and an omnivorous diet.

There is a quirky fact about meat that as you cook it it goes from juicy (good) to dry (bad) but then something miraculous happens. It crisps up and becomes amazing. If you see any menu items with crispy in the description you know its going to be tasty. This doesn’t happen in the herbivore world, crispy apples are great but celery (despite it’s crispness) is rank.

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Lunchtime Review : Stromboli

In which I roll up bread and meat and cheese and create food heaven.

The Menu.

Ingredients: Bread and Meat

Preparation: Roll it up and bake it

Cost:Several pigs

Amuse-bouche

I love my traditional English Easter dinner, other than Christmas it is a chance to have a large family dinner with a pile of food. A great part about being married to an American-Italian-German is that food is an important part of Easter.

When we have partaken in dinner in NY I have been sent on epic quests just to locate a piece of meat. If I’d asked someone back home in England to drive 30 miles just to purchase a piece of meat they would call me crazy…however that meat, it tasted good. I mean real good. Even when my body started screaming at me that I’d eaten more pork than I should, I still needed to keep eating.

It wasn’t like I went into dinner on an empty stomach, beforehand I’d eaten some slices of Stromboli. If you’re sitting there with no idea what this is, as I didn’t before meeting my wife, it is possibly classified as humanity’s greatest gastronomical invention (along with garlic bread or pigs in blankets).

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Meat, the real five a day

In which I refuse to eat the food my food eats

Mrs G will tell you that I have a varied diet, as long as varied means “heavily biased towards meat”. If the average human is an omnivore, and about 7% of the UK population are vegetarian, then to even out the numbers I have to be 98% carnivore (the remaining 2% is mainly garlic bread).

PHOTO-Bacon Garlic Bread

I’ve been told that some sort of vegetation is essential in your diet, apparently for the nutrients and health reasons. I’m not convinced by this and I’m sure this is just propaganda put forward by the Illettuceami of the world. Eating leaves of any plant still tastes like eating grass. I understand the aesthetic value of salad but as an essential, or even headline act, it’s just doesn’t feel right to me.

This means I need to choose some meat.

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Humble pie

In which a pie has a fleeting existence before it meets my belly.

Lunch never seems to last long enough, the chance of eating a good and hearty meal is restricted by the fleeting moments of my break. The best I can hope for is a limp sandwich and a bag of crisps.

Thankfully science has developed a fantastic delivery method for potatoes, meat and gravy all wrapped up in carbohydrates. The pie.

No only is it a perfect way to eat a meal while on the run (but not while on a run) it is so versatile as to be suitable for both savoury and sweet. Considering the date I think this is a good opportunity to run down my list of top pies…as usual in no particular order.

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I’m a picky eater

In which there is not much food I’d object to if it was covered in bacon.

Considering I don’t like cheese, mushroom, onions, liver, green vegetables, other coloured vegetables and most fruit; I don’t consider that I am a picky eater.

It’s not that I don’t have an aversion to certain food groups (mainly those that don’t walk around the fields before they get to my plate), but more that I am not the kind of person who would kick up a stink because someone had left a tiny bit of skin on a chicken breast or a tiny sliver of fat on the bacon.

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