Just doing my job

In which I thank myself with some flowers.

I have a thankless job and I’m happy with that, I feel awkward when I’m congratulated and just want to reply with “just doing my job, maam”. Ignoring the problem with referring to my manager as “maam” it also causes me problems in getting ahead in business.

The main issue is I belive my job (kind of like a
executive specializing in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration or a transponster) is a service job. It my my role to help others do their roles better. I’m a caddy or a buttress, I should only be noticed if I’m not doing my job properly.

Continue reading “Just doing my job”

I’m a criminal

In which I am chased by an irate French policeman.

Despite my angelic looks I am really a bad boy…I’ve had my share of run ins with the law. I’m hardcore criminal scum. I’m bloody gangster mate. 2460hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1.

Me as Jean Valjean

Like all members of the underworld fraternity I think I should share my stories of villainy. What you are about to read could shatter your faith in the inherent goodness of humanity.

Let’s go back to a quiet Sunday afternoon on the dangerous streets of inner Bedworth. A small amount of litter is blowing outside of Stubbs’ toy shop, highlighting the plight of a town centre that hasn’t been cleaned since Friday. Continue reading “I’m a criminal”

Flight or fight

In which you wouldn’t like to see me angry.

When I fight I fight to win.

What is the point of finding yourself in an altercation that you are happy to lose? My number one aim is the jugular and I won’t be happy until I am standing victorious over my defeated foe. It’s why I’ve never one a game of Civilization with anything other than a conquest victory, I start out all peaceful and want to spread harmony and peace but then Gandhi nukes my capital and I will seek vengeance upon my attacker (and all those who were not involved because they stood by and watched).

It’s this desire to see my victims destroyed that I tend to stay away from conflict, my flight or fight response is not in perfect balance so I try to avoid getting myself in a position where I have to rely on my animal instincts. If I don’t have to make the choice then I don’t have to deal with the consequences. Who knows what happens when I get angry, I don’t like it when I get angry…

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Remembering my past

In which I try to remember my memories.

It seems like ages since I was last in New York, but it hasn’t been. It is just that I have a terrible visual memory.

I seem to live very much in the present, I don’t really consider the future that much and  my past recall is not very vivid. One of my most common refrains at work is “I’ve slept since I did that”, it is like when I go to bed I do a format on my brain which deletes all the thoughts collected that day.

My factual memory is fantastic, I was doing a quiz with Mrs G last night on famous ships and was able to remember the name of most of them. One of which was the Great Eastern that we both saw last year in Bristol, I can remember all the facts about that trip but I don’t remember being there.

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When I grow up

In which I dream of creating dinosaurs and winning The Ashes.

When I was little(r) I played the “when I grow up” game. I knew what I wanted to be, it was going to be fun and exciting and ever so adventurous. I would change the world! I did not sit and think “You know what, I want to be a data analyst”. It just happened that what I have is an aptitude for crunching numbers and making spreadsheets. I was never going to be a NBA basketballer so I choose the world of Excel and datasets.

I was going to be doing any number of different occupations, I had the whole world in front of me and nothing to stop me. So what happened? Continue reading “When I grow up”

Having an office cold – Part II

In which I manfuly spread my disease.

I love this song by The Cranberries.

What I don’t love is the office cold, which is just lingering like some feral youth on the street. Being all up to no good and just generally causing nuisance.

Even when I think it’s gone it makes more comebacks than Michael Jordan. Not the highly successful Bulls kind of comeback, this is the Wizards multiplied by his attempt at baseball style comeback. Continue reading “Having an office cold – Part II”

The normalcy of life

In which my life is a series of fortunate events.

There have been times in my life where it has felt completely crazy. I’ve only just started to experience the feeling of a settled life after almost five years of upheaval and constant change. I look around and this period of calm feels almost surreal.

Instead of reacting to anything that life can throw at me I’m starting to plan, the short-termism of the last few years being replaced by a long-term view of what I want to do, or be. I have felt like my life has been in one long sideways skid for so long that now I have straightened it out and got control back I am ready to put my foot on the accelerator again.

That feels odd.

Continue reading “The normalcy of life”

Calm before the house moving storm

In which I put up a ‘For Sale’ sign.

A lot has happened in the last few years; getting married, having two kids, numerous job changes, as well as two house moves. So now that life is starting to recover from the last major event (the arrival of A-Rex) I have that nervous tic that makes me want to stir things up.

So I’m moving house again.

After getting some normalcy with a sleeping baby it is time to get stressed over deposits, and mortgages, and packing, and movers, and new furniture, and soft furnishing colour choices. Life is about to get choppy and we are in the eye of the storm as we stare at the approaching clouds

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Summer dress code

In which offices insist on cooking men’s legs for ‘decency’.

The office thermostat has currently been set to Fuerteventura, or the winter air-con settings have been turned on at work. I think this is an acclimatization exercise so it doesn’t feel so warm when I get outside in the sub-30c heat. The other option we seem to have is artic, so I have to pack warmer clothes and a pair of mittens to be able to use my computer.

At the moment though it is too hot, it is either due to the multitude of screens I now have (and would like to keep), the wall that is painted the same colour as the sun or the fact I have to dress in long trousers whilst the fairer sex flounce around in flimsy materials. The worst part about this is that, just like all office scenarios, they complain it is too cold and want the heating turned up. Do they not know that us men are warm blooded? We are too hot when skinny dipping in the methane pools on Titan?

I once got in trouble with my manager from the unnamed opticians for wearing the same type of clothes on a dress down day as most of the females did on a normal business day, apparently men do not get a summer dress code. Why did my uncovered toes suddenly become a health and safety issue when others stumble around on a daily basis in heels? I do wash them.

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I’m not an island

In which I no longer stand alone having seagulls poo on me.

Sometimes people need reminding that they are important. Life is pretty big and crazy that we can feel like tiny outcrops of rock being hammered by the waves of live, slowly eroding us until we disappear beneath the surface.

Today Mrs G could do with remembering that, life in the last few weeks has been pretty choppy and she has felt a bit she was alone. She thinks she has a lighthouse of rejection warning ships to steer clear. Yet that’s not the case.

In fact I had a post that tells her exactly what I think of her from the archives…

Continue reading “I’m not an island”