Despite my angelic looks I am really a bad boy…I’ve had my share of run ins with the law. I’m hardcore criminal scum. I’m bloody gangster mate. 2460hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1.
Like all members of the underworld fraternity I think I should share my stories of villainy. What you are about to read could shatter your faith in the inherent goodness of humanity.
Let’s go back to a quiet Sunday afternoon on the dangerous streets of inner Bedworth. A small amount of litter is blowing outside of Stubbs’ toy shop, highlighting the plight of a town centre that hasn’t been cleaned since Friday.
The normal non-existent bustle of the street is heightened by it being a Sunday afternoon, the residents refusing to take to the recently pedestrianized path as…well it’s Sunday and Bullseye is on.
Into this scene enters a youngster. A youngster bent on committing a despicable act of felony so gratuitous it will be talked about in hushed tones on years to come.
For in this recently pedestrianized town centre a 13 year old vandal is…
Riding his bike…
THE WRONG WAY UP A ONE WAY STREET.
Realising the situation the local police force springs into action. A car is dispatched, tearing through the empty town centre. Spying the urchin they pull up slowly by him and read him his rights.
“You know this is a one way system?” they ask politely, “You shouldn’t really cycle up it.”
“Oh, ok then.” replies the child who has a respect for the local constabulary, and promptly dismounts and pushes his bike back home. Shocking, yes? What more could this heinous individual do? Why Danno didn’t you book him? how could he be left to roam the streets. This was a question the residents if a sleep Welsh university town asked themselves many years later.
Aberystwyth is a quiet town. Nothing, apart from the occasional halls of residence burning down, to disturb the local way of life.
Sgt Daffyd Jones and PC Gareth Davies (names have been changed to protect the innocent and reinforce national stereotypes) were busy patrolling the seafront road in their squad car.
“Hey that PC Gareth Davies, turn this car round boyo. It llooks llike a crime is afoot” I imagine was said.
“I think your right Jones the Policeman, I’m gwlad you spotted it.” came the likely reply. Safely, and slowly the police did a three point turn to go chase the vagabond.
What, you may ask, had alerted them to the impending act if criminality.
Let me take you back 2 minutes.
For at this moment an wild-eyed youth is busy staring in the window of a building along the seafront, quite obviously up to no good. At this moment a police car passes by.
Now fast forward a few moments and Sgt Jones and PC Davies are pulling up by the side of this n’er-do-well.
“Oi Boyo” asked Sgt Jones “Watch you being doing looking in that there window. It llooks llike you up to no good boyo.”
“I ain’t doing nafin’ guv” replies the yuff. Well actually he says “Oh sorry officer I’m not doing anything”.
“It llooks suspicious to me. Why you looking in that there window anyway?”
“Well, it’s because it’s a Chinese…and it has a menu there.”
“Oooooh” comes the reply from the car. “Well…errr…what would an 18-year-old be doing in Wales’ llargest university town anyways. Why are you here?”
“I’m at university. I’m a student.”
Now this is where it gets tricky…obviously the best answer for this is “I was bloody studying the menu until you pigs disturbed me”. However the reply comes back…
“Microbiology and Zoology”.
Satisfied that no major act of crime is about to be perpetrated, the Police drive off. Singing in a melodious baritone voice. Because they’re Welsh.
So there you have it.
I am a bad boy.
I am public enemy #6,867,154,783