Lunchtime Review : Beige Food

In which I avoid anything green.

Scotch eggs sausage rolls and sausage bites in a tray of beige food

The Menu.

Ingredients: Lots of brown.

Preparation: Open the box of brown.

Cost: A lot of brown later on.

Amuse-bouche

Seriously…what? 8 cocktail sausages, 4 pork and tomato bites, 4 sausage rolls and 4 mini scotch eggs.

Colour plays an important role in food, it indicates what kind of experience or benefit you get from the item you are about to put in your mouth. It’s why chefs spend so much time fussing over how a dish looks as if it appears tasty then it probably is. The Duck Rule and everything.

There is one colour to rule them all, a colour that is quite honest about what you are going to get. Beige.

Entrée

For those unfamiliar with what beige food is it is the food of the buffet, the finger food you get at weddings or funerals. It is the bite sized pieces of pork meat and pastry that are offered up as a feast to be collected on a paper plate. It’s unifying theme is that all items are that strange shade of brown, no matter what angle you look at them from there is no change in the hue (and often the shape).

Beige food is bland to taste, it is a salty fatty taste with a slight meaty taste. You can’t tell if it is meat and there is always the nagging feeling that what you are eating are the various parts of an animal that have been cast aside from other dishes. The minced up cartilage, tendon and mucus reformed and salted to be stuffed in pastry and breadcrumbs.

It’s never going to be healthy, a quick look at the nutrition information says for each piece they have the following amounts of fat and salt from your daily allowance:

Food Calories Fat Salt
Cocktail Sausage 1.5% 3.0% 2.2%
Sausage Roll 2.8% 5.7% 3.0%
Pork and Tomato Bite 1.5% 2.4% 2.5%
Mini Scoth Egg 2.0% 3.7% 1.7%

Of course you’re going to have only one aren’t you? Each little sausage is so filling that why would you need another. Every bite is another tiny scream from the heart asking “what on earth are you doing”, but the brain and mouth are going “this is soooo good”.

Pudding

This is the problem with beige food, it is just so tasty. Even though I have just described it as mucus-filled salty fat balls how many of you suddenly have an urge for a sausage roll?

Source: Feast

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

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