Let me tell you a true story of terror and horror, the nightmare of demonic Lepidoptera.
It was the summer of 2005; a young Lindsay Lohan was staring in Herbie: Fully Loaded, Phil Mickelson was winning the PGA championship and George W bush was telling Louisiana residents not to worry about a little storm called Katrina.
It was at this time, in a small maisonette flat in Bedworth, that a young man made a fateful decision to ‘let some air in’ and opened a window.
And let the devil in.
It was later that night he noticed a small dark triangle on the ceiling. Tentatively looking closer he noticed that it was just a harmless butterfly. Being a friend of nature decided to leave it be, and allow it to settle there before it would inevitably go on its merry way.
And so the Beelezefly began to feast upon the ichor of the residents of that small flat.
Our story moves on to the spring of 2006; a still young Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, and the world is recovering from a year of natural disasters and the release of ‘Chico Time’. And a young man, in a small flat happens to glance up on his bedroom ceiling once more…and sees a small dark triangle resting there. It was the butterfly from last summer in exactly the same position it had been some moths earlier.
Thinking by now the poor creature had surely perished he decided the best thing to do would be to take the static shell and reintroduce it into the great circle of life™
Calling for the assistance of his housemate (he was taller and could reach) our heroes, using a small stick and a Tupperware box they tapped the small dark triangle to dislodge it from the ceiling where it had spent so many months resting.
Then the forces of hell were unleashed as the Red-Eyed Admiral erupted into action, screeching unearthly noises as its slumber was disturbed. Upon spying the mere mortals who had dared to remove it from its resting spot the Monarch-of-Hades launched upon a vicious retaliatory attack.
Our hero and his roommate, now being aware of the evil presence in their house did what they could to defend themselves from the fell-insect that was now intent upon their demise. Wings flapping with hypnotic patterns of death and destruction were being used to lure them into a fatal trap.
Realising that non-supernatural insects like moths and butterflies were often attracted to the light our brave heroes leapt for the light switch.
Lepidop-terror howled in anguish, confused. No, a new source of light. Momentarily, until that was extinguished. Another shining globe.
Unbeknownst to foul creature it was being lead out of the flat by the carefully timed use of light switches, illuminating a path out of the flat. The monster was brought to the kitchen. Tired by its exertions it took the chance to rest a while on the wall.
The two brave men were now given an opportunity to bring its reign of fear to an end. Deciding which of them should be given the task of confronting this long-tongued-dragon via an impromptu round of paper-scissors-stone the housemate was chosen to enter the lair of the beast. The young man watched on.
Slowly the housemate approached, now armed with a mixing bowl and spatula. His arms in this fight to the death.
The butterfly sat there, still like a millpond.
The housemate got closer, hands trembling.
The butterfly remained unmoving.
Two, maybe one metre to go. The housemate slowly raised the bowl, preparing to entrap it.
A wing twitched.
Panicking the young man switched of the light.
The butter-die howled and launched itself at the housemate.
The housemate screamed, a scream of horror and fear, a scream that it is said can still be heard echoing around the walls of that kitchen. A scream that sounded just like a girls.
The young man, despite being crippled by laughter at the flailing of his housemate, leapt into action rushing into the darkened kitchen and opened a window.
The great monster sensing the cool breezes of spring, was temporarily confused and drifted towards the opening. Like all insects, first it flew into the glass, then close to the exit. Then glass again. But then, in that darkest of moments when it seemed like all hope had gone it…hit the glass again. Then flew out the window.
Slamming it shut the young man breathed a sigh of relief as the evil presence left. Stepping over to his housemate, pale and shaking in the corner, the young man offered his hand to help him up.
The day was won, they had defeated the Vampire Butterfly.
This all happened, it is a true story. How do I know?
I was that young man.
Cirlce of Life is a Trademark of the Disney Corporation, a division of Monsanto-Halliburton.