After sitting next to someone on the train who thought it socially acceptable to play a noisy version of solitaire on their phone it’s time for me to reconsider running for Supreme Ruler of the World again. This way I can take action against those that irritate me by trebucheting them off the coast of Scotland into the ocean.
It can be difficult to create a law banning stupid people, especially through our current government as it would be like turkeys voting for Christmas, so I need to add a small amendment to existing laws and see what I can get away with. Thankfully I’ve just been out to lunch and know exactly what I want to ban.
During my working day I have a small amount of time where I can escape the office and venture into the wide expanse of the city where I am based. This time is very limited and is often taken at the same time each day. So why on earth do people not in work insist on populating the streets during my lunchtime?
Trying to navigate through a city centre at lunch inevitably means dodging out of the way of old people, pushchairs and kids. None of them seem in a particular hurry to get anywhere, and why should they? They have no time limit on their dawdling so if they want to walk at a speed that is just above stopping why shouldn’t they? If they want to randomly stop in the street, or block the doorways of shops to chat who am I to complain?
I’m not saying they are not allowed to go out to the shops or anything, just not between the hours of 12 till 2 (to accommodate those who have a later lunchtime). The streets can belong to them for the other six hours a day. I feel that asking for 25% of the time between 9 and 5 is only fair, and not excessive.
It would be an easy system to implement, around 11.45 a siren would go off in all town centres informing all those currently crowding the streets that they have 15 minutes to clear out. At this point there would be areas they could all move to for the next 120 minutes until at 2pm the coast is clear, think the Eloi in The Time Machine, and allow all the Morlock workers to emerge from their caves of employment and get done the jobs they need doing.
No longer will we need to panic that there will be a queue at the Post Office, we’ll be able to pop in and out of the bank, restaurants will be able to serve us all quicker and there will be no danger of knocking old ladies down an escalator if they dilly-dally too long.
To extend this proposal further the ban will also extend to Saturday as well. If you are not at work in the week you will be forbidden from going into town between 10 and 5 (there will be an hour allocated to non-workers between 9-10, as I am not getting up early on my day off). You’ve had plenty of time to go between Monday and Friday. Why do old people insist on going to a busy market on the Weekend, and then think that taking a huge shopping trolley that they can use to remove the skin on the back of my ankles with is a good idea?
The alternative option is that all working people on their lunchtime are fitted with a human version of a cow catcher that can be used to navigate through the crowd.