Not a smartphone

In which I have to press buttons…buttons!

Steve Jobs presenting

I don’t really want to say much about how my current phone stopped working, let’s just say if Android is a great operating system to mess around with then I perhaps played a little too rough and may have broke it’s software. Say what you like about Apple’s ridiculously fragile devices and their tendency to crack faster than a vegetarian in a bacon factory, but that software is locked down tight. It barely let’s you change a ringtone let alone the whole OS.

So while my phone awaits an assessment of the problem (which currently consists of it not turning on and refusing to charge) I have been left without a smartphone for the first time since the G1 was launched (which by my reckoning and a quick Google search is four years). I have had to buy a dumb phone, or as my Mum would call it…a phone, to still be able to receive calls and messages but as I didn’t want to spend a fortune I stumped up $15 for an Alcatel OneTouch. Which is a bit of a misnomer as this is technically one touch more than the screen can handle – it has buttons…buttons! What is this? The mid-2000′s?

My brand new phone

Alcatel OneTouch – like a Blackberry…but somehow worse

This phone is a marvel of modern engineering, not only does it manage to fit a full QWERTY keyboard onto the device it also, and this is truly ‘magical’, has a barely one inch screen…in full VGA. I’m going to let that sink in for a moment.

Full colour, just one inch wide.

With a battery life seemingly in excess of the usual 2 1/2 minutes you get on a normal Android phone, this brilliant phone has a standby time of 10100 years. So while all the heat in the universe is dying you’ll still have enough charge left to call your mates and go out for one last drink, ignoring the fact that due to the vastness of the expanded cosmos there will be no chance of the fermentation process working. Plus the network will be jammed at the end of days, look how busy it get’s at New Years.

The reason the battery lasts ages is that I don’t want to be seen to be using it. I mocked my boss for giving his son a phone with buttons, and it’s true the other kids can be mean and pick on the little boy who can only access the internet via WAP…but I never let them see me cry. I just take a picture on my 0.2 megapixel camera that uses XVGA technology with a shutter time of less than 15 seconds. If I wanted to take a picture of Usain Bolt winning the 100m sprint I would have to start taking the photo at ‘Get Set’.

It does have predictive text, but it is so slow that I have to predict what I meant when I typed it five minutes ago. An abacus has more processing power than this thing, and are probably easier to use. It has the option to be a music player. It’s internal memory is measured in megabytes, so I can barely put one song on there without filling it up. It has an expansion slot but I’m all out of 3.5inch floppy disks.

It doesn’t even have snake, it has nematode worm.

Bizarrely it has an option to create a fake call alert, so while you are busy talking to someone you can get your phone out and make it look like someone important is calling you. Does the iPhone do that? If I wanted someone to stop talking to me I would just show them my phone and they would be so embarrassed that they would walk away. Tomorrow I am due to go to a Social Media conference where delegates are being encouraged to use Twitter during the speeches. I would rather admit I don’t know what Facebook is to everyone there, while naked.

It’s unfair of me to lay into the phone like this, it’s not it’s fault. It’s a piece of plastic and should receive no anthropomorphic blame. For the pittance I paid I can barely expect a multicore multitouch 4G device.

Source: Embarrassing

Author: Daddysaurus

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

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