Mrs G will tell you that I have a varied diet, as long as varied means “heavily biased towards meat”. If the average human is an omnivore, and about 7% of the UK population are vegetarian, then to even out the numbers I have to be 98% carnivore (the remaining 2% is mainly garlic bread).
I’ve been told that some sort of vegetation is essential in your diet, apparently for the nutrients and health reasons. I’m not convinced by this and I’m sure this is just propaganda put forward by the Illettuceami of the world. Eating leaves of any plant still tastes like eating grass. I understand the aesthetic value of salad but as an essential, or even headline act, it’s just doesn’t feel right to me.
This means I need to choose some meat.
Most time this comes down to any cut of pig, an animal that evolution could have placed loaves on its flanks. Sausage, bacon or ham, forget apple sauce the main accompaniment to pork is bread. Invariably this means that most of my sandwiches contain a slice of ham in one of its various guises.
However a ham sandwich tends to get a bit boring, so often needs filling out with something else. The so called “nutritionists” amongst us would say that the various fruits of the field would spice up a simple sandwich. To which I say there is only one way to jazz up a meat sandwich… More meat.
Throw on a slice of turkey to that homemade sandwich son. It’s basically the mayo of carnivore gastronomy, and goes some way to calm down those who worry about cholesterol. So now we are at our two foods? Does bread even count as one? What more do I need?
“Vegetables” shouts Mrs G.
She’s right, if by vegetables she means mammals. I’m sure she does, she’s always confusing lamb for whatever those carroty coloured cone shaped things are called.
So I have to think about what can help accomplish this government health advice. I find the best thing to do is add some variety so to look at what food I’ve chosen already and choose something different.
So I chose beef. I try to have a little bit of each every day, even it means having a small steak for breakfast to make sure I get my Vitamin Moo RDA.
“Beef is not one of your five a day” cries an exacerbated Mrs G.
What a poor uninformed wife, the list of your recommended five a day is as follows:
I may die of malnutrition, but at least I’d die bacon.