When I started this blog, and the ones that came before it, it was because I was looking for inspiration, although I still don’t know what I want to be inspired to do. Initially I started writing these posts for two main reasons:
- To vent some of the pressure and anger I was feeling
- Something to do
It was a way to illuminate the darkness I was feeling and remove the mask of madness. Over time those feelings have waxed and waned between fun and something that became more of a chore than enjoyment, and I don’t enjoy chores (seriously – I need to really do some vacuuming at home). Most of us will only have 36 million minutes on this planet so even to waste 60 of them each night not having fun seems a bit of a waste. It also seems to be a bit foolish to spend my time ranting to the environs of the internet rather than actually trying to resolve the problems in reality.
It is when this new moon feeling hits that I often have little madness to hide.
I’ve always wanted to keep a journal or diary, but never had the will to do so; and where better to put your thoughts and hideous neuroses as well but on the wide open expanses of the great shouting plains of the internet. This is also a vanity project; in the grand scheme of things I know this blog is not important. 13.7bn years of the universe have not led to this being the pinnacle of existence, nor is it likely to move others to great things.
I live to think that I am following Lord Reith’s mandate for the BBC; to educate, inform and entertain, and if I struggle to meet the first two aims I hope at least I meet the latter. It’s hard to gauge where my writing sits in the great pantheon of blogging because I write for myself first and then for the audience who may read it afterwards. This is why I could not setup business in the service sector, I put self-interest in ahead of the customer. I hope in the least I am interesting.
When I first started writing the posts that garnered more attention (amongst non-people I know) were either the “oh I’m sooooo depressed” or “LOL geeky” ones, and although I am not writing for attention (although some may argue that) it is nice to get feedback and comments.
I chased the madness of popularity.
This meant that the prose I produced not as coherent or cohesive as a tightly edited piece would be. It worried me that writing in this manner, a very “stream of conscious”-lite, puts people off. I use a lot of “things” and an over abundance of commas, seriously a lot of commas, as well as plenty of “be”‘s.
If anyone wants to know where all the bees are it’s not some strange malaise destroying colonies it’s that they now all live in my posts. Unfortunately not making honey.
The illumination from my writing was blinding, not in the good way but the “hey you have your headlights on to high jackass” way
I glared with unnecessary words; weak verbs, nouns and adjectives that are my thoughts. Removing them makes a lie of what I am writing, it becomes polished and concise which is precisely not what my thoughts are.
I don’t edit my posts, I want to write what I mean but if I put down 500 words where 350 would have done then I am sorry. I am sorry if I use passive voices, or go around the houses, or just seem to take too long to make a point. I’ve never aimed to have high literary ambitions with this blog, if you want a good writer try my wife (http://acrossthewideocean.wordpress.com) and if you go there say Hi from me, I’m MR in her posts and tell her she should write more about me!
Yet writing has made me certainly feel less angry (as has getting married and having a baby), and it was a great source of therapy in a pretty miserable time, and the tone of the writing has certainly changed. It’s also given me something to do, whether as an outlet for being creative or by the constant reorganising of my blog. It’s kept me out of trouble.
Throughout it all I have tried to never hide the madness, despite the fact I recently took down two years worth of posts. This was my Full Moon moment where the brightness from my moonlight was again threatening to hide the madness, not because there is any building up but because it had gone.
The posts screamed out and were silenced. The source the light now comes from, is not a moon.
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