Holding onto the duvet

In which I lie on the edge of the bed shivering with cold.

Bed in the spare bedroom

Following on from my amazing bed post (that is a post about beds as opposed to one of the corners) I got some grief from Mrs G because of the amount of space I claimed I needed. Being five months pregnant she is starting to claim to need extra room for her and the baby and that I should give up some of my side.

I have some very strict sleep rules, which I did explain to Mrs G before we first shared a bed and still flush with the early goggles of love she agreed. Then she found out about the “Four Positions” and requested an immediate renegotiation.

I like to sleep in a certain way and these vary from being in a tiny ball to taking up as much room as possible, may I present the Four Forms of Sleep.

Form 1 – The Fort

Sleeping position the fort
This involves barricading myself in like 19th century French student, normally requiring five pillows to surround my whole frame and provide protection from vampires and cold droughts. Due to a pillows height being around 1/4 of the width of the bed this means as minimum I need 50% of the available mattress. When you factor in my body then I’m going to need a bigger boat.

I could sleep on the pillows, but this would mean I’m effectively sleeping on another mattress so would need to build another fort on top of that, and before you know it I’m on a hundred pillows and complaining about the member of the Fabaceae family someone has left on the bottom.

Form 2 – The Starfish

Sleeping position the star fish
This is an important step as it involves the destruction of the pillow walls of Jericho being thrown down and away. It creates something akin to a sheet angel as I extend all my limbs to their maximum. If the fort is about creating safety then the starfish is all about discovery, it allows me to identify where the edge of the bed is to prevent me falling out or learning my arms over the side so the mass murderer under the bed can’t lick my fingers.

Form 3 – The diagonal

Sleeping position the diagonal
Although some may claim that the diagonal is just part of the second form (with retracted appendages) recent sleepology studies have shown it to be a separate movement entirely. Whereas the starfish sees the body at a perpendicular angle to the pillow the diagonal is, well diagonal.

The perfect version of this form would be the Phytagareon right isoceles, with the head at a 45 degree angle to the pillow. the benefit of this form is that it generally clears out the space in the bed as it moves the other occupants out and across.

Form 4 – The Foetus

Sleeping position the foetus
Now that the bed is empty, as any other residents should have given up by now and if not persevere…they will,you can move to the final form. Commonly known as the foetus because of the shape resembling a babe in the womb (nature’s best bed) I like to think of it as curling up into the smallest possible shape you can manage.

After the space hogging of all the other forms you now try and occupy as little area as is humanely possible. This helps demonstrate to others that despite taking up most of the bed you didn’t actually need it you just wanted it.

The most important thing in the bed is control, of the quilt, of the sheets and of the space. With these four forms you will find you are a bed zen master in no time. Go forth and practice youngling padawans.

If you don’t end up with all the space in your own bed you will very quickly find you get all the space you want in the spare room once you’ve been kicked out.

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Source: Edge

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

10 thoughts on “Holding onto the duvet”

  1. That is why I sleep in my own bed. My husband does the pillow thing and takes up most of the bed. Also covers are an issue. I want it up he want to sleep on top of them. I now sleep in the middle of my bed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I also have my own bed… Hubby snores loud enough to wake the dead and I tend to dominate the bed. Now we both get a good night’s sleep and we’re the happier for it. ^_^


    2. I’ve nearly got agreement with Mrs G that once we share a bed again (we are in seperate rooms until The A Rex sleeps through the night) we can have individual duvets. She likes a light one round her waist and I like a heavy one around my neck…what we need are the L-Shaped bed linen that they seme to have in the movies.

      Liked by 1 person

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