Following on from my amazing bed post (that is a post about beds as opposed to one of the corners) I got some grief from Mrs G because of the amount of space I claimed I needed. Being five months pregnant she is starting to claim to need extra room for her and the baby and that I should give up some of my side.
I have some very strict sleep rules, which I did explain to Mrs G before we first shared a bed and still flush with the early goggles of love she agreed. Then she found out about the “Four Positions” and requested an immediate renegotiation.
I like to sleep in a certain way and these vary from being in a tiny ball to taking up as much room as possible, may I present the Four Forms of Sleep.
Form 1 – The Fort
This involves barricading myself in like 19th century French student, normally requiring five pillows to surround my whole frame and provide protection from vampires and cold droughts. Due to a pillows height being around 1/4 of the width of the bed this means as minimum I need 50% of the available mattress. When you factor in my body then I’m going to need a bigger boat.
I could sleep on the pillows, but this would mean I’m effectively sleeping on another mattress so would need to build another fort on top of that, and before you know it I’m on a hundred pillows and complaining about the member of the Fabaceae family someone has left on the bottom.
Form 2 – The Starfish
This is an important step as it involves the destruction of the pillow walls of Jericho being thrown down and away. It creates something akin to a sheet angel as I extend all my limbs to their maximum. If the fort is about creating safety then the starfish is all about discovery, it allows me to identify where the edge of the bed is to prevent me falling out or learning my arms over the side so the mass murderer under the bed can’t lick my fingers.
Form 3 – The diagonal
Although some may claim that the diagonal is just part of the second form (with retracted appendages) recent sleepology studies have shown it to be a separate movement entirely. Whereas the starfish sees the body at a perpendicular angle to the pillow the diagonal is, well diagonal.
The perfect version of this form would be the Phytagareon right isoceles, with the head at a 45 degree angle to the pillow. the benefit of this form is that it generally clears out the space in the bed as it moves the other occupants out and across.
Form 4 – The Foetus
Now that the bed is empty, as any other residents should have given up by now and if not persevere…they will,you can move to the final form. Commonly known as the foetus because of the shape resembling a babe in the womb (nature’s best bed) I like to think of it as curling up into the smallest possible shape you can manage.
After the space hogging of all the other forms you now try and occupy as little area as is humanely possible. This helps demonstrate to others that despite taking up most of the bed you didn’t actually need it you just wanted it.
The most important thing in the bed is control, of the quilt, of the sheets and of the space. With these four forms you will find you are a bed zen master in no time. Go forth and practice youngling padawans.
If you don’t end up with all the space in your own bed you will very quickly find you get all the space you want in the spare room once you’ve been kicked out.
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