The Tale of Nice the Giant

In which I tell you an angry fairytale.

Disney princesses

I had a reminder yesterday congratulating me on my five year anniversary of Geek Ergo Sum, and as per usual it reminds me that this was not my first attempt at blogging. That distinction belongs to Angry Fairytales. Although that site no longer exists I still have the old posts.

It was written at a time where the idea I would be happily married with one child and another on the way seemed like lunacy. So as the name suggests the posts were quite…bitter. Now I look back on them and it makes me laugh. So I thought to celebrate five years of shiny I would retell the story of Nice the Giant (and for the first time illustrated by my own fair hand!)

The Tale of Nice.

Once upon a time there lived a giant named Nice, and liked many fairytale characters he was named Nice because…well he was. Not in the “oooh he’s nice” way but more of a “Who? Nice? Oh, he’s a really nice giant”. And being nice was his greatest strength…and weakness.

Nice lived on his own in his nice house which contained a number of nice things. He used to get up in the morning and go to his nice job, come home to his nice house and have a nice meal before going to bed.

Nice the giant 1

One day Nice decided he wanted to share his nice life with others so he set off into the wide world to find someone.

After a few days he stumbled across a small cottage in the woods, Nice bent down and knocked on the door.

Knock, knock

Nice the giant 2

“Who’s there?”


“Nice who?”

“Nice the giant, what do you think this is some sort of joke?”

Slowly the door opened and 7 dwarves appeared on the doorstep.

“Hi, I’m Pervy”

“I’m Uninterestedinyourstuff”

“I’m Childish”

“I’m Stubborn”

“I’m Non-commitment”

“I’m Geryakitoff”

“And I’m Go-out-with-my-mates-no-questions-but-if-you-go-out-with-yours-I’ll-give-you-the-third-degree…but Bob for short”.

“Well I’m Nice, and I am off to look for the lady of my dreams” said the giant.

Nice the giant 3

“Well that’s handy…we have one who lives here with us. Her name is Snow White and she is real pretty and funny and clever and is ever so nice” Non-commitment told Nice.

“And I’m sure she’ll like you, afterall she has been out with all of us!” Geryakitoff chipped in. At this all the dwarves made the guttural noise often made by a grazing herd of lowlifes around their natural habitat…the bar.

So the dwarves took Nice to see Snow White, and he realised that they had told the truth for she was pretty and funny and clever and is ever so nice. So Nice stayed with the dwarves for a number of months and got to know Snow White…and she got to know Nice. And everything was going swimmingly, they got on really well and everyone agreed that “those two got on swimmingly and got on with each other real good”…but this being the tale of Snow White (ok, technically it is Nice’s tale but I’m skipping a whole load of filler here) stuff “went down”.

Nice the giant 4

That means we have jumped right to the bit where she has eaten the apple (moral: don’t eat fruit) and is lying in a glass coffin. All 7 dwarves were kind of unhappy, except Uninterestedinyourstuff who had just got a new games console and Pervy who had gone off with the stepmother, but generally were already looking to the funeral party to see who would like to see their “headstones”. But not before each had given her a kiss.

Nice stood over the glass coffin and remembered the words said by someone that only a kiss from someone who “got on swimmingly and got on with each other real good” with her could wake her from her sleep. So he removed the lid and bent over to kiss her…until…

Nice the giant 5

Snow White opened an eye and whispered with the last ounces of her strength “Stop…I only see you as a friend”

“But, if I don’t kiss you, you will die.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want things to be awkward, I like you…but not like that”

“So you will refuse my kiss and die?”

“Yeah, sorry…but I’m sure you’ll find someone who is real pretty and funny and clever and is ever so nice” and without she died.

Moral of the story: Women are more likely to choose death over someone who is truly good for them.

Tell us your funniest relationship disaster story.

Source: Third Rate Romance

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

5 thoughts on “The Tale of Nice the Giant”

    1. This was a tale written when I became bitter about the ‘friendzone’, thankfully now I have women in my life who show me that it is not a problem with the female gender…but a problem with some people who happen to have XX chromosomes.

      Liked by 1 person

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