Don’t save the Giant Panda

In which I help an animal pass into extinction.

Three pandas playing

Of all the corporate mascots out there I find the WWF’s the most ironic. For an organization that is dedicated to the conservation of the planet’s species they made the decision to choose one of the few examples of fauna that wants to go extinct. I am an animal lover, and it saddens me when any species slips from the Earth never to be seen again, but sometimes you also have to go “You know what, nature has decided that this particular beast is of no use and must be let go”.

This is the case for the Giant Panda, possibly the only animal on the planet that is still around due to human intervention. If it was a gnarly lizard or some parasitic insect we would have put our hands up and gone oh well, that’s Darwinism in action. Instead with its cuddly little face we have decided that we must save it, it’s Survival of the Cutest and its wrong.

The removal of the Giant Panda from its ecosystem would have no negative effects, there may be a bit more bamboo that’s all, as no other species relies upon it. They live in a environmental niche of one, the only thing that will be affected will be a decrease in the overall Nature Adorability Factor (to counteract this I propose removing scraggly dogs like Chihuahuas from the bottom end of the cuteness scale). It’s evident they don’t want to last; any attempt to breed them ends in disaster. Edinburgh Zoo has two in a pointless conservation act.

Unsurprisingly Tian Tian and Yang Guang at Edinburgh Zoo have displayed more interest in cuddling than copulation, for Giant Panda’s the ‘friend-zone’ is the default setting. For most animals the act of reproduction is pretty much a given, the natural world has determined that to continue the act of passing on your DNA then you need a creature that is well designed to do so. Giant Panda’s have a biology that is set to “Not tonight, I have a headache”.

Not tonight dear

Evolution has decided that they need to phased out, they are up for eviction, they are fired. Giant Panda’s have only a small window where there are primed for baby-panda making, the female ovulates for only 36 hours a year and of that may only be up for it for 12 hours. Added to this the fact that the male Giant Panda only thinks about sex for 7 seconds a year means that the chances of progeny is not weighted in their favour. Considering that should (and that is still a big if) the female get pregnant in her lifetime she will probably only give birth to one baby then this is still not enough to keep the population stable.

Giant Panda’s populations halve each generation naturally due to their genetics, and add in the fact a smaller population is less likely to be in receptive moods at the same time then the species is doomed. I for one am happy to accept this.

The Giant Panda has two black eyes because Mother Nature has punched it in the face twice, she made them too frigid to survive yet too cute to be let go extinct. It is the equivalent of forcing your quiet and introverted handsome friend onto that nice and pretty girl down the road who doesn’t go out because they are both too cute not to make a baby.

You’ve been given the superpower to change one law of nature. How do you use it?

Source: If I Ruled the World

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

6 thoughts on “Don’t save the Giant Panda”

  1. I agree with you totally. Plus, they only eat bamboo which has little to no nutritional value so they have to eat a lot of it. I mean, they pretty much evolved themselves into near extinction. So they’re cute… big deal. There are all kinds of cute animals on this planet. My cat is cute, but he’s gonna shuffle off this mortal coil some day too. It happens.


    1. I think this is why rhinos are so endagered, they need to jazz up their image and be a big cuter…all that grey skin and the horns…they need to be more fluffy and doe eyed. I consider the panda like The Simpsons, sure it may have been great but now it just really needs to be let go but only sticks around because of all the celebrities.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Felicity is so adorable. “the male Giant Panda only thinks about sex for 7 seconds a year.” ???? Isn’t it true that the human male only doesn’t think about sex for 7 seconds a year? Ha.


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