If we were having coffee now then we would almost certainly be in a place where it was cheap and most likely awful. The reason I would be having coffee would be that, even though it was terrible, the likelihood is that the tea would be even worse. If there is one thing more horrific to an Englishman than bad coffee it is bad tea.
If we were having coffee now you would sit there with you fancyacappmahino and I would be trying to drink down a coffee hinted pint of milk with as much sugar and chocolate powder as possible. I don’t know why I think this is any better because I hate both sugary milk and chocolate milkshakes, so rather than have bad coffee-house tea I would rather drink a combination of three that I don’t like. That is how awful the tea is.
If we were having coffee now then I’ve been the one to get up and make the drinks, this is one of my morning jobs. Mrs G likes many aspects of living in the UK but does miss her New York coffee. As a ‘push present’ for the birth of the Feliciraptor I bought her a coffee maker that I get to use for her in the morning. It would have been much easier to have cracked open a jar of instant coffee but apparently I cannot moan about tea and still recommend a few teaspoons of Nescafe in the same breath.
If we were having coffee now then we would be in America. Just so you are aware Lipton is not tea. Tea (as in Proper Tea – not this green/red nonsense) should be brown and contain milk, you can leave a Lipton tea bag in a cup for seven days and it will barely have changed the hue of the water. While we are out and about in the States I have to resort to the coffee milkshakes because artisan-organic-pop-ups insist on making it taste like something. Unlike Lipton which only tastes like someone who has drank a lot of water has had to go and pee in my cup.
If we were having coffee now it would be one of the safe blends, nothing fancy. It’s the same with tea. Yorkshire Tea is ‘reet propa’ and PG is acceptable. If you are offered Typhoo by your host leave immediately, this person is a monster. Should there be a choice between Oolong or Earl Grey think to yourself “if these were any good surely they would be more popular”. Remember when Sir-Lord-King Patrick Stewart played Jean Luc Picard he drank Earl Grey, but he was playing a Frenchman if he was John Pickard it would have been a mug of builders for him.