If we were having c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ tea now

In which I stick the kettle on.

Person drinking a small cup of espresso coffee

If we were having coffee now then we would almost certainly be in a place where it was cheap and most likely awful. The reason I would be having coffee would be that, even though it was terrible, the likelihood is that the tea would be even worse. If there is one thing more horrific to an Englishman than bad coffee it is bad tea.

If we were having coffee now you would sit there with you fancyacappmahino and I would be trying to drink down a coffee hinted pint of milk with as much sugar and chocolate powder as possible. I don’t know why I think this is any better because I hate both sugary milk and chocolate milkshakes, so rather than have bad coffee-house tea I would rather drink a combination of three that I don’t like. That is how awful the tea is.

If we were having coffee now then I’ve been the one to get up and make the drinks, this is one of my morning jobs. Mrs G likes many aspects of living in the UK but does miss her New York coffee. As a ‘push present’ for the birth of the Feliciraptor I bought her a coffee maker that I get to use for her in the morning. It would have been much easier to have cracked open a jar of instant coffee but apparently I cannot moan about tea and still recommend a few teaspoons of Nescafe in the same breath.

If we were having coffee now then we would be in America. Just so you are aware Lipton is not tea. Tea (as in Proper Tea – not this green/red nonsense) should be brown and contain milk, you can leave a Lipton tea bag in a cup for seven days and it will barely have changed the hue of the water. While we are out and about in the States I have to resort to the coffee milkshakes because artisan-organic-pop-ups insist on making it taste like something. Unlike Lipton which only tastes like someone who has drank a lot of water has had to go and pee in my cup.

If we were having coffee now it would be one of the safe blends, nothing fancy. It’s the same with tea. Yorkshire Tea is ‘reet propa’ and PG is acceptable. If you are offered Typhoo by your host leave immediately, this person is a monster. Should there be a choice between Oolong or Earl Grey think to yourself “if these were any good surely they would be more popular”. Remember when Sir-Lord-King Patrick Stewart played Jean Luc Picard he drank Earl Grey, but he was playing a Frenchman if he was John Pickard it would have been a mug of builders for him.
PHOTO-Cup of tea

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

25 thoughts on “If we were having c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ tea now”

  1. I’m a Yorkshire Tea lass meself. Sadly my adult children have infested my kitchen with all manner of herbal teas and other poncy stuff. I am so ashamed.
    Loved reading and identifying with your post :).
    (I’m really lucky – we have an independently owned coffee shop within walking distance that serves and sells a wide range of fresh ground coffees :))..

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    1. Fruit tea is not proper tea! I had this argument with some American friends. Keep plugging away, or at least every time you make yourself a cup take one of their bags out and throw it away… and pretend they just drink it fast.

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  2. Aah Typhoo… Do you know it is perhaps the most largely sold international brand in India…?
    Like I said earlier… You would not like Mumbai too much… Our tea has been boiled for hours and the colour of the tea will remind you strongly of that with coffee with a truckload of chocolate powder in it…

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  3. I love a good cuppa, economy tea (because I drink so much of the stuff); my coffee is the cheapest supermarket instant and one of my posts I worked out that I could have coffee at home for 3 months for the equivalent price of one cup at a coffee house. I do like filter coffee but it’s so addictive and haven’t had one in decades, but I used to be a waitress where coffee on the house during working hours was an absolute essential … Fruit teas are fine until your friend making it thinks it needs milk like standard tea! Yuk!

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    1. I’ve had green teas made with milk, but I’ve been to polite/British to correct the host! I decided that if I was going to drink a lot of tea I would have the good stuff, then baulk at the cost of Mrs G’s habit of drinking freshly ground coffee…I may have to see if I can sneak some instant in there. Did you notice the difference?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Between filter and instant? Yes there’s a definite difference! But with both tea and coffee I have much less caffeine induced headache for drinking the cheap stuff and my budgets much healthier for it too 🙂

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