Cricket affectiveness disorder

In which I come down with an illness that lasts five days.

English bowler playing cricket

Tomorrow is the start of the end of my summer illness, no not hayfever (although I have been clear of that for the last few weeks), but a stranger disease.

I suffer from a curious illness, at times it can be crippling but I had thought in the last few years I had been able to get over it. However at recent events it has come back with a vengeance. I suffer from Cricket Affective Disorder (CAD), I have the Wicket Blues. This particular malady only affects a certain sub-group of people, the English Cricket Team fan. No other nation has been able to report a similar illness (although ongoing research is being made into Australian Smugness and Indian Cricket Mania) and medical organizations are desperately trying to find a cure.

Recent studies by WHO and the ICC had shown that cases of CAD was in decline and were ready to declare the complete eradication of the disease at the beginning of summer. However it seems that the disease has mutated into a more powerful form, possibly with the N1 TeAM strain seen a few years ago crossing with bout of KPERS earlier in the year.

Originally CAD had a simple set of symptoms, sufferers would normally experience a sense of hope and optimism that would very quickly (normally within the 1st day of any tests) decline into despair. Normally this would be accompanied by a knowing feeling of celebrating minor achievements and singing.

Cricket affectiveness disorder pre 2005
Cricket affectiveness disorder pre 2005

A change in CAD was first seen in 2005, during that heady summer the latter stages of despair were replaced with sensations of euphoria and pride.

Cricket Affectiveness Disorder 2005
Cricket Affectiveness Disorder 2005

This was a particularly virulent strain of CAD and seemed to affect large parts of the population leading to a massive outbreak which saw sufferers gather in large crowds and outpourings of Jerusalem. This strain was very short-lived and seemed to quickly recede; this was mainly due to the Ashes5-0 vaccine developed by Messers Warne and McGrath in 2006, and a repeat dosage delivered in 2013.

In the following years CAD seemed to revert back to its normal benign form, however in the West Indies a new and more dangerous type was contracted. This has been identified as Ground Zero for the recent CAD N1 TeAM, or as it is commonly called TwoAndys after the two men who discovered it, version of the disease.

The usual symptoms of despair were completely lost, and replaced with a constant feeling of pride (or chuffness) for the five days the sufferer would have CAD N1. At the time many predicted that CAD N1 would be the dominant form of this illness and would most likely be around for years to come. This was backed up by the authorities declaring that Australian Smugness was on the wane and Tendulkaritis was unlikely to be around forever.

It seems however that earlier this year the CAD N1 variant has crossed with Top Order RoT. Here we would see the initial optimistic feelings replaced with an inevitable sense of expectation of failure. The new mutated strain has seen that initial sense of dread changed to a sensation of impending success.

Cricket Affectiveness Disorder N1
Cricket Affectiveness Disorder N1

The new pattern has then seen this immediately replaced, normally within the first morning, with sensations of despair. This would continue for a few days until normally around the third day the sufferer would be subjected to feelings of increased hope, far exceeding those of any other variant of CAD. Unfortunately this elevated hope would be followed by an increased feeling of despair and crushing disappointment.

It was feared that in the summer this would become a full blown epidemic, especially with an increase in AustralianSmugness, but one again Cricket Affectiveness Disorder has mutated. Rather than produce a sense of elation that the earlier strains had created sufferers now exist in a state of surprise. Instead of a full-on feeling of inevitable despair many are walking around with a look of shock on their faces.

Cricketer looking shocked

So tomorrow I will begin my final course of medication, even though it appears that the main fever is over it is still important to finish the dosage prescribed. It is the beginning of the end of Summer and the final Ashes test.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Nothin’ But A Good Time.”

Imagine that tomorrow, all of your duties and obligations evaporate for the day. You get the day all to yourself, to do anything you please. What types of fun activities would make your day?

Author: Daddysaurus

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

2 thoughts on “Cricket affectiveness disorder”

  1. Growing up in London (East End, Bethnal Green) I was accompanied by cricket during the summer months on the TV. Baiscally I was a football person (West Ham United) but one day my friend and I decided to visit the “others” and we spent the day at the oval. It was all part of our further education I suppose, so why not. I do not remember who was playing who. Exciting? apparently it was not match of the day, but we sat and watched all day long. No sorry I never had CAD, but I was longing for the Winter months when the football season began again. Perhaps if it was an ashes match it might have had some excitement.

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    1. I started off with cricket by having it on in the background while revising for exams. It was the perfect noise because it lasted for ages and you only needed to look up once every hour or so. It was only after time that I ‘got it’ and I think it is a sport you have to learn to love (the marmite of sports?). Even now I struggle to last a day at a match, but what really elevates the sport is the commentary (whether it is TMS or Sky Sports). There is so little action on the field (especially compared to football) you need help to understand what is going on. Mrs G has finally got to grips with the terminology and the rules of cricket but still I have to explain the narrative of a sessios/game/series.

      Plus it is a great excuse to sit in the sun for 7 hours drinking beer.

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