Late Review : Les Miserables

In which I’ll hear the people sing.

Les Miserables Cosette

Dum dum dum dum dum de dum dum dum pa pa pa pa papapaaaa…At the End of the Day you’re another day older.

People will be heard singing, a lot of women will cry and there is a higher death count than a ninth episode of Game of Thrones; so goes Les Miserables the movie. Being stuck inside the movie means that you are going to have to deal with a lot of crazy than is not really in the stage show (although it is just as long as the novel adaptation of the film).

It is a world full of people staring and constantly getting new hats. So many hats and so much staring.

We arrive in the aftermath of Pirates of the Caribbean, and Jean VanWolverine is helping what I assume is the other X-Men to pull in a big ship into the dock. Everyone is singing and getting a bit wet and it all looks a bit unsafe. Keeping an eye on stuff is Maximus Decimus Javert, who seems to be looking very vengeful and rocking a pretty cool hat.

Les Miserables Javert wearing a hat
It may look like a night cap but it’s a ‘No Mercy’ hat really.

VanWolverine finds out that he can now stop pulling stuff around because he’s served twenty years for stealing bread then running away, the French penal system is pretty harsh but does not seem to dissuade anyone from committing crime. I think he got five years for bread stealing, a few more for running away and two years for having a stupid beard. So off he is sent to seek his fortune in the world, walking across a few mountains in some shots borrowed from Lord of the Rings. I like to believe that on his journey he comes across Frodo and tries to steal the ring, cause that’s what 24601 would do.

He comes to the house of the Bishop of “I was the original Jean Valjean but not big enough box office to play the role in the movie”, and decides to take advantage of the hospitality by stealing the silverware. Upon being caught he is pardoned by a big piece of Ham who buys his soul for Goooooooooooooooooood. We know this because he crosses himself several times and takes mass. To show that the moment is very special he gives VanWolverine some very special candlesticks. These are magic candlesticks that will never leave him, basically a live action version of Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. No matter where you go they will magically find their way there like a homing pigeon homing in.

At this point VanWolverine gets very sad and starts staring into the far distance just above people’s heads. This must be a symptom of having your soul purchased as it afflicts him for the rest of the film.

Les Miserables Valjean staring with a beard
Or he is looking at the projectionist

So off we go with the big theme song pumping away, it’s at this point we jump eight years into the future and find that VanWolverine has shaved his beard and is now running a business of repute where Catwoman works. The only problem is that the other women are a bit upset with the stunningly gorgeous woman in their midst and conspire to get her fired by singing the business cliche anthem “At the End of the Day”. Unfortunately “Blue Sky Thinking” and “New Paradigms” are not in this version.

At this point Maximus Javert returns, and he has a new hat.

Les Miserables and Javert has a new hat
…Father to a murdered son but I shall have my new hat. In this life or the next.

Maximus Javert wants to show off his new hat so he goes to see the Mayor…who just happens to be VanWolverine. Oh no, he’ll get caught! Luckily what Maximus Javert has in millinery style he lacks in being able to recognise people’s faces. Especially those of people who he will never forget. I mean, he quite clearly tells Wolverine I will never ever forget you, it’s practically a pinkie swear. Yet whenever he sees him he seems to get confused and ask if they have ever met before. He can remember every hat he has ever owned but not of a notorious escaped convict.

We move then to the Oscar winning scene for Catwoman where, unrealistically, she is able to get a walk in hair appointment and a trip to the dentist. I have to book weeks in advance but she is able to walk straight in and get some money for doing so. Last time I went to the dentist he took my back teeth out and charged me a few hundred pounds for it.

Unfortunately the haircut Catwoman gets is really crap and she gets very upset about it.

Les Miserables Fantine cries while singing the Susan Boyle Song
I wanted an asymmetrical bob

{Side note: Yet despite the tears, red eyes and runny nose I still think Anne Hathaway looks gorgeous…and in all honesty this is how I imagine she looks when she cries in real life.)

VanWolverine then finds out that he was the guy who had her kicked out on the streets and feels a bit guilty so agrees to adopt her child. This seems like a fair deal until he decides that once he has decided to make this life changing decision for both himself and the kid this is exactly the moment he should go find Maximus Javert and admit he was the guy he was looking for and get arrested. If you didn’t want to adopt the child then just say so…don’t go and get sent to prison to get out of a dying woman’s promise.

Credit to VanWolverine though, he realises that this is a bit mean so decides to run away to get away from Maximus Javert, and thankfully he has a cunning plan. He will tell Maximus Javert that he is going to the hospital and hide away by going to…the hospital. This is the extent of all the escape plans in Les Miserables, rather than doing stuff in secret you tell everyone exactly what you are doing and then get really surprised when the person who is looking for you can easily find you. These people can angst and weep, but planning…not their strong point.

Anywho…to the inn of the Thenardiers, where Mrs Tim Burton and Borat run a pub together. The inn is for stupid people who don’t know that they have lost glasses, legs or eyes or the wine has a unique flavour. We also learn that it is now acceptable to chop the tails off cats in Hollywood.

Les Miserables the thernadiers
This week on Man vs Food…

As with any rendition of Master of the House it shows when the performers are professional comedians, and these two have perfect timing. Doesn’t really matter that either are not the best singer I would happily watch this scene over and over again and don’t feel so bad that I was overlooked for the role of Thenardier.

Borat and Mrs Burton have a little surprise though, they are the current guardians of Catwoman’s daughter and when VanWolverine turns up they are not so eager to give her up. It doesn’t matter though because VanWolverine runs them through with his Adamantium claws and steals the child. At least I think this is what happened because someone needed to get up and go to the loo at this point.

Maximus turns up minutes later and asks Borat where VanWolverine went, but thankfully VanWolverine has been able to throw him off the scent by declaring he is on his way to Paris.

Next we see VanWolverine in his carriage with his newly aquired charge safely on his way to…oh really…Paris.

Les Miserables Valjean stares into the distance in Paris
Hoping he has remembered to pack everything…money, child, candlesticks.

It’s okay though because Maximus Javert is there waiting for him, but has been waiting for him so long he has turned to wood and sings at the stars. It’s either singing or he is relieving himself on the people below.

Thankfully this is the word of Les Miserables where coincidence is just a convenient plot point and we next see VanWolverine and the Daughter from Mamma Mia handing out money to the poor when who should they bump into but Borat! Thankfully Maximus Javert is still around despite his rubbish detective skills. Thankfully he has a brand new piece of head-gear to show he means business.

Les Miserables Javert with another new hat
Or it may be his old hat turned 90 degrees.

Maximus Javert rushes to the aid of Wolverine and because he looks slightly different from before he is completely unrecognisable. Maximus Javert has promised to hunt him down over the years and spends every waking hour thinking about him, but put the man in front of his face and he’s all “Who this guy…nah not him mate”. Once again VanWolverine escapes by just being chased by one of fictions most inept policemen.

We all then sing One Day More, which is always amazing and consists of VanWolverine staring out of windows and Maximus Javert singing in a voice that sounds like he is desperately trying to not poo his pants.

It’s at this point something bad happens to the film and the story, some young people appear and are out acted and out sung by their older generation. These guys are all pretty photogenic and have wavy wind blown hair and are really angry about being fairly well off middle class guys. They are the students and they are mad, and possibly drunk so in the absence of traffic cones to put on statues heads they steal a hearse. With a dead guy inside. Then have a party.

Les Miserables Students take over a funeral
It’s basically a historical musical version of Weekend at Bernies.

They then proceed to wreck the streets and people try to get them to shut up by throwing chairs and pianos at them, which they then decide to collect and build bonfires out of. Understandably the French army is a bit upset about this and decide something needs to be done.

Luckily for the students the French army is made out of all the reject henchmen from the James Bond films and can’t shoot for toffee. These are professionally employed men who cannot shoot someone waving a giant red flag shouting and singing songs about colours on a roulette wheel. Even Maximus Javert turns up while off duty to show off the new jaunty hat he bought, unfortunately not realising that despite his own Prosopagnosia others may clearly recognise their local policeman.

Les Miserables Javert wears a hipster hat
The early origins of Hipsterdom

In the midst of this we find out that there are three youngsters involved in a love at first sight love triangle to cater to the Twilight brigade. They sing songs under starlight but no sparkling is involved. This according to Mrs G is the heart of Les Mis but as it involves talking about feelings and a lack of brass instrumentalisation I tend to phase out during it.

Meanwhile back at the student party everyone is getting a bit tired and things nearly get out of hand when one guy with Willem Dafoe’s mouth threatens everyone with a kegger. Rather than downing a barrel of beer it seems to be full of gunpowder and the army decide that things are escalating too quickly and leave. This causes a bit of a downer at the party and everyone starts to mope around. It’s also a bit boring, and everyone agrees perhaps they should invite VanWolverine, expect nobody (meaning everyone apart from Maximus Javert) knows where he lives.

Les Miserables stares upwards
Thankfully he RSVPs (Or as they say in French…”ASAP”)

VanWolverine turns up to the party but finds out that Willem Dafoe’s Mouth fancies Mamma Mia’s Daughter which is a bit awkward. As the party is banging he thinks that this guy would be just right for her and decides to bond with him by singing about going home and then having a spa day in the Parisian sewers.

Les Miserables Everyone has a spa day in the Paris Sewers
So he treats him to a spa day

Maximus Javert decides that enough is enough and VanWolverine needs to be bought to justice while he can still remember what he looks like. So despite the vast size of the sewer network decides to stand waiting outside a sewer exit for VanWolverine hoping that once again he manages to ruin another escape. When inept meets inept they cancel each other out and produce coincidence and VanWolverine manages to come out right under Maximus’s nose. Maximus Javert is not very happy about this as Wolverine smells like a day in the Parisian sewers, and is then taunted by Wolverine because he has lost his hat.

Maximus Javert gets really upset by this and decides that the only way he can go on without his hats is by jumping in the Seine.

Les Miserables Javert stands on a bridge
Or he is relieving himself again.

Thus ends the story of Maximus Decimus Javert, commander of the restrained singing voices, Generally looking grumpy, loyal servant to hatmakers everywhere. Father to a murdered version of Stars, husband to a murdered version of Who Am I. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next film I do.

Upon waking up the next day Willem Dafoe’ Mouth has a pretty bad headache and can’t remember what went on. He then puts together the pieces and seems to recall there being cannons involved, a lot of dead people and the risk of Septicemia from being carted through the muck. As he is in love then he gets to live, which is nice but then he sings about everyone who died and this bought the atmosphere down a little in the audience.

VanWolverine decides that now is the time to die, for no other reason than he just decides it is. So he looks one last time into the distance, grabs his candlesticks and then pops his clogs. Partly this is being convinced by Catwoman to do so, which is perfectly understandable as if she asked me to jump off a cliff for her I may also do that.

Les Miserables Valjean stares along a corridor
What’s that Catwoman, I should burn my eyes out…where is the hot poker?

At VanWolverine’s death everyone gets sad. Catwoman, Mamma Mia’s Daughter, Willem Dafoe’s Mouth, Lumiere the Candlestick, Mrs G, seemingly everyone in the cinema. During this whole scene it sounded like either everyone had a cold or hayfever with the amount of sniffing happening in the cinema. This meant everyone ignored the Ghost of Catwoman trying to sneak out of the scene in the background.

Les miserables Anne Hathaway runs in the background
There in the darkness, a fugitive running.

But then VanWolverine comes back to life and so does everyone else! Phew, it was a dream like Bobby Ewing returning in the shower in Dallas. Everyone is terribly excited about this and throw another party.

Les Miserables End scene
Except Maximus Javert, because he’sa killjoy and just talks about hats.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fourth Wall.”

You get to spend a day inside your favorite movie. Tell us which one it is — and what happens to you while you’re there.

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

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