Ingredients: Mixed kebab meat and chips
Preparation: From the local kebab house
Cost: £3.90 (and six weeks of life expectancy).
Some people eat chocolate, others ice cream, but when I get frazzled I need to have something greasy like chips to make me feel better. Dealing with immigration services has certainly taken the vim from my step so off to the kebab shop it is.
Eating kebab meat at lunch is a special skill, most will say it should only be consumed after a night out while others believe it should never be ate at all. When you are drunk you must out on all the subtle flavourings, well I say subtle but they are practically non-existent. It’s heated up cardboard with grease but it’s oh so good.
Eating a trayload of reprocessed lamb (I assume it’s lamb) can be a bit much so it’s nice to supplement it with another of your 5–a-day meats in the form of chicken (again making assumptions here). It is recommended to have it with chilli sauce but as this often gives me a nose bleed (and with both being the same colour red) I gave this a miss.
The fries are not really chips and don’t really add to the meal. Then again they don’t detract from it and do soak up all the hydrogenated oils. The only saving grace are the wet wipes I picked up, I was tempted to microwave them to get that authentic restaurant feeling but considered this a bit dangerous.
It is weighing heavy on my stomach now and there is a faint whiff of a kebab shop around my desk. Eating this at lunch is a slippy slide, which is kind of what it will be like on the toilet later.
As with all comfort food the few minutes of eating it are crushed by the overwhelming regret of doing so later. I now feel turgid and sad, and can only think that eating some more comfort food will make me feel better.