The Joylessness of mushrooms

In which I am not a fungi.


Texture, that is what it comes down to. I am pretty much happy to eat anything, but if it feels funny when I chew then it is mouth-verboten. This is a rule that has excluded many a food group from my digestive tract.

Kidney and liver is too spongy, cruciferous vegetables put me off with their leaves and bobbles and I’m not overly fond of nuts (especially coconuts and their strangely chewy innards). For all of these I am also put off by both the taste and smell. They complete the triumvirate of hunger suppressors that make me avoid eating them and as a result they don’t make my stomach turn.

Only one foodstuff can do this, mushrooms. I love the smell of cooked mushrooms and I love the taste of a mixed grill cooked with them, but that texture makes me squirm.

By all rights I should be a huge eater of various fungi, on the rare occasions I’ve inadvertently eaten tiny fragments I’ve been okay. Just like when we eat spiders in our sleep as long as I don’t know it is there when I’m swallowing then I’m fine.

In the same way I hate olives but love olive oil, and have no issue with putting dehydrated sea water on my chips, mushroom flavour I can cope with as long as I don’t concentrate too hard on its original state.

This principle works for pate as well, solid liver has no chance of entering my gullet but as soon as it is mashed up and served with toast and a little side salad it is going to meet the back of my oesophagus faster than it takes to check how to spell oesophagus.

When cooking a full English breakfast it seems a shame to miss out the little button mushrooms but I know I am never going to eat them. The only possible way is to blend them to a paste but what point is that? All I am after is the mushroom flavouring to caramelise on the sausage skin but not to have the grey pieces of sponge getting the way of my egg (egg fried in the juices of the mushrooms is unbelievable).

I imagine that I would be an excellent truffle hunter, I have spent my whole life fishing little pieces out of pasta dishes, pies, and any other meal that contains a tiny sliver of mould. If only I could bare to chew it. Unlike the other foods that I cannot abide, mushrooms make me sick because I should like them and I don’t.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Embrace the Ick.”

Author: geekergosum

Ah, so you worked out the riddle. You just needed to use dwarfish and the doors to Geek Ergo Sum opened. Or perhaps you just used Google. Either way you are here, on my little corner of the Internet.

2 thoughts on “The Joylessness of mushrooms”

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