Our Parent Teachers, or Childhood revisted

The  Feliciraptor is really starting to roar, I haven’t seen her in nearly a week and the child that has come back is different from the one I waved off last Sunday. Every day a new connection is firing in that little skull, although some may be crosses wires, and she is becoming someone we need to start raising rather than just caring for.

Both Me and Mrs G had the kind of childhood that has harmed our chances of being a angst-ridden rockstar or subject of an Oscar-nominated movie. There wasn’t any real drama, nothing to rebel against and no chances taken away. Some may call it boring but I like to think of it as stable. That is the kind of backdrop we want to provide the dino, our education as parents was provided by some very good teachers (that’s our parents in case you – or they – hadn’t worked it out).

Continue reading Our Parent Teachers, or Childhood revisted

Lunchtime Review : Vitamins and Minerals

The Menu.

Ingredients: Bits of rocks.

Preparation: Close eyes and swallow.

Cost: A complete waste.

Amuse-bouche

Politicians are at it again, this time they are claiming that we eat too much meat. I made a pact with vegetarians that they can have my greens and in return I will eat the cooked flesh of animals. It’s the circle of life and all that malarkey.

As a humanist I believe that evolution has led me to eschew the eating of plants and resulted in humans filling a new niche, primarily that of eating barbecue. I’ve never seen a slug eat a burger but they seem pretty fond of lettuce, to me that says there is less competition for beef so is a better natural selection.

The only issue with this is that science seems to still believe that I need nutrients like vitamins and minerals. This is a bit awkward as meat only has Vitamin Mmmmmm. What if there was a magic pill that I could eat to stop others from worrying about my nutritional intake?
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I’m a Criminal, or A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.

Despite my angelic looks I am really a bad boy…I’ve had my share of run ins with the law. I’m hardcore criminal scum. I’m bloody gangster mate. 2460hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1.

Geek Ergo Sum Valjean Prison
But without the Wolverine Powers

Like all members of the underworld fraternity I think I should share my stories of villainy. What you are about to read could shatter your faith in the inherent goodness of humanity.

Let’s go back to a quiet Sunday afternoon on the dangerous streets of inner Bedworth. A small amount of litter is blowing outside of Stubbs’ toy shop, highlighting the plight of a town centre that hasn’t been cleaned since Friday. Continue reading I’m a Criminal, or A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.

Lunchtime Review : Shop Bought Sandwich

The Menu.

Ingredients: Whatever was on the shelf

Preparation: None what-so-ever

Cost: £3.00 more than I should have paid

Amuse-bouche

I’m a good husband, I know this due to the admiring look I get from Mrs G in the morning as she realises once more she has woken up next to me and won the life lottery. To help remind her how lucky she is I like to do nice little things for her like making the sandwiches for work. It was while doing them last night that I was once again able to show my chivalrous side and act all knightly by sacrificing my own nutritional needs for hers.

We had just about run out of bread, and this being a key component of a sandwich left me in a bit of a dilemma. With only two slices of the loaf left who should get lunch? Spoiler alert – based on the fact the topic of the post is “shop bought” not “home-made” then I think it’s safe to say that Mrs G is tucking into a nice Parma ham sarnie while I pop to the store for a shop bought sandwich.
Continue reading Lunchtime Review : Shop Bought Sandwich

Seeing clearly, or Baggage Check

I’m currently sorting through my old paperwork and in amongst the details of my mortgage and tax statements I have invoices for old cars and instructions for TVs that I no longer have. Yet I also rediscovered one of the most important letters I have ever received, my termination of employment from a certain opticians*.

It would seem odd to be happy to find a letter that says you are no longer wanted, and at the time there was some bitterness about it, but like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park life found a way and I now realise it was one of the best things ever to happen to me. This isn’t one of those thoughts I have while crying into a glass of scotch trying to convince myself it was good, but a genuine belief that being discarded by them gave me a helping hand to have  a better life. I owe them a certain amount of thanks for how my life has turned out since then.

They have also given me a benchmark for how bad life can be, and it allows me to see the same in others. No job is worth your mental health and as the opposite of the saying goes, what goes down must come up. Even when I start to feel a low in life coming on I remember that the important thing is to bounce.
Continue reading Seeing clearly, or Baggage Check

Lunchtime Review : Beige Food

The Menu.

Ingredients: Lots of brown.

Preparation: Open the box of brown.

Cost: A lot of brown later on.

Amuse-bouche

Seriously…what? 8 cocktail sausages, 4 pork and tomato bites, 4 sausage rolls and 4 mini scotch eggs.

Colour plays an important role in food, it indicates what kind of experience or benefit you get from the item you are about to put in your mouth. It’s why chefs spend so much time fussing over how a dish looks as if it appears tasty then it probably is. The Duck Rule and everything.

There is one colour to rule them all, a colour that is quite honest about what you are going to get. Beige.
Continue reading Lunchtime Review : Beige Food

The Vampire Butterfly, or Nightmares

Let me tell you a true story of terror and horror, the nightmare of demonic Lepidoptera.

It was the summer of 2005; a young Lindsay Lohan was staring in Herbie: Fully Loaded, Phil Mickelson was winning the PGA championship and George W bush was telling Louisiana residents not to worry about a little storm called Katrina.

It was at this time, in a small maisonette flat in Bedworth, that a young man made a fateful decision to ‘let some air in’ and opened a window.

And let the devil in.

Look at it, pure evil (Source: Wikipedia)

Continue reading The Vampire Butterfly, or Nightmares

Lunchtime Review : The Cottage Pie Sandwich

The Menu.

Ingredients: Cottage pie and bread

Preparation: A moment of inspiration

Cost: Nothing, but my genius

Amuse-bouche

There are pivotal moments culinary history where everything changed. The first time that someone stuffed pig flesh back inside its intestinal lining and fried it, or the person who took a strong-smelling member of the onion family and put it on bread. These oven-shattering events have bought joy and pleasure to stomachs throughout the years.Last night I had one of those moments, a flash of taste inspiration that I believe has the potential to reinvent the sandwich. Not in the “take one piece of bread away and now you have an open sandwich way” (that’s just half a sandwich) but in a way that reverbs all the way to the tomb of John Montagu.May I introduce the cottage Pie sandwich.
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In the pub, or Fill in the Blank

Bank Holiday Monday, today it was spent digging in the garden being a grown up getting and getting it ready for a lawn. As it type this I am struggling with the feel of the keyboard because the ends of my fingers are slightly numb from doing something harder than pushing a mouse around.

Soon this brown will all be green
Soon this brown will all be green

In the olden days I never had to worry about such things, especially when I was in my late teens. Instead of having responsibility for gardens or home improvements, plus none of the worry about work the next day, I was able to enjoy the Bank Holiday.

Most of my long weekends normally had a story that began, three people walk into a bar…

Continue reading In the pub, or Fill in the Blank

Playlist of my Life, or Mix tape

Tonight is night one of the rebachelorhood, Mrs G and the Feliciraptor are safely in Berlin and now I have the freedom of the house to do what I want. Normally when I sit down to write I do it in semi-conversation with Mrs G or we have the TV on as background noise. Tonight I can dive in to my music collection and listen to music super-loud (especially as it is not going to disturb a little thing).

Nicely today’s prompt is to put together a a musical playlist of songs that describe my life. This was trickier than I thought because how can you capture 30 odd years in just a few tracks? Mostly this is because I am terrible at remembering lyrics, songs that would fit (Like Crazy Crazy nights) have good titles but don’t fit enough.

In the end I have distilled it down to just three.
Continue reading Playlist of my Life, or Mix tape